


Forget Me Not (Editing the living hell out of it)

by Trishtim



Category: Kraftwerk (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-03-24 23:05:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3787690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trishtim/pseuds/Trishtim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Equilibrium;<br/>a state in which two opposing forces are balanced.</p><p>But what happens if the state of stability breaks and the other opposing force falls or breaks? Should the other opposing force take the fall and start all over again just to bring back the balance of everything?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Of course this is a work of complete fiction,none of this is real.  
> It's just of that one plot line that I can't seem to get out of my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S  
> This work has minor problems with grammar and spellings, I'm sorry about that. It will soon be fixed.

It was the 14th of December 1987 in Amsterdam . . winter, yet another stressful tour for Kraftwerk especially for the equipment it doesn't go well with the cold snow was everywhere snow, snow, snow, snow and snow here and there piling up blocking numerous roads and highways causing the trip to be delayed mainly because of course traffic and the snow, it blocked roads taking them to the narrow passageways and risky roads up ahead. But what's important is that they finally, _finally_ made it to the hotel getting the relaxing and peaceful rest that they wanted and expected especially after the a long live show with an additional special encore.

The four finally in each of their rooms resting, Karl was knocked out sleeping in his bed, Fritz was fiddling with a piece of paper that he found making it into boat a plane or maybe even a swan god knows; Ralf enjoying his cup of coffee and the warmth of the blanket that wrapped around him snuggled by the misty glass window scanning every activity that was happening outside like the choir singing some classic Christmas song with all of their hearts and glee swaying side by side despite the shivering cold of December and the children that threw snowballs at each other laughing, running around building snowmen and little igloos. The Christmas lights that wrapped around the trees and the hotel itself was simply beautiful.

Meanwhile the room to the left of Ralf's was room no. 9 where the seemingly bothered Florian Schneider who sat by the corner of his dark room looking out and back again the room couldn't sleep no matter what he does. Was it going home that bothered him? The home sickness? The stress? Definitely not, was it the thought that he had ever since everything was growing? Ever since Kraftwerk started to get more in demand all over the world? Was it about the thought of leaving Kraftwerk?

Florian gazed out again by the window his eyes following every gracious fall of a batch of snowflakes and at the same time pondered nervously about leaving Kraftwerk for good things were getting stressful and the path Kraftwerk was taking, things were going downhill he didn't want this.Florian bit his thumb feeling cold sweats prickle out of his hands and senses his legs shook up and down it was 8:30 P.M and they just came from a 4 and a half long hour show thinking if he attempted to come in Ralf's room and talk about it could add more stress and problems.

Florian stared at the floor and let out his stinging shivering breath out his throat and chest thinking how he should let the the thought rest for another year or maybe, just even let the thought die out besides . . Ralf, Ralf his best friend, Ralf was important to him, he doesn't want to hurt Ralf with this thought of leaving Kraftwerk it is sad but Ralf. He changed so much it wasn't what he expected but in fact everything did changed, little by little was it the time? Or was it because of fame that they achieved? Or was it because they earned the entitlement of being the "Godfathers of Electronic Music" that fed Ralf's ego, building up his pride and taking being a robot seriously overtime?

There were so many questions running through his mind bothering him every time, every year that passes by thinking about maybe even letting Ralf manage Kraftwerk by himself. Florian sat back up straightly staring at the ceiling as if it would fall on him, well he wished.

Florian let another shaky sigh out of his chest as he closed his eyes tightly clenching and unclenching his jaw as another minute passed by his leg once again started to shake up and down without him noticing it he was trembling more than before he finally made a decision, he was..going to leave..for good.

Without another minute to waste he stood up not minding his whole body and breath tremble Florian turned the knob of the door feeling his hand sting and sweat it felt like static as he slowly opened the door and closed it quietly behind him Florian walked towards Ralf's room next door to the right of his room and stood in front of the door with his head lowered down trying to calm and ready his self if Ralf ever happens to throw a huge wave of anger at him. Florian ran his fingers against the smooth wood of the door before clenching it into a fist to knock the door but all of the courage and state of calmness shrink away when Ralf's footsteps came closer and closer to the door until Ralf himself opened the door, Ralf stood there looking straight into Florian's eyes with confusion.

" _Look at him he's so tired, those sleepy eyes, he looks so pale and his hair sticking everywhere . . maybe I should . . no._ " Florian thought observing his tired little buddy who still had his coffee on his hand.

"Oh, Florian what are you doing there? Haha, you look like one of those lucky cat figures waving good luck" he joked, his voice hoarse, smiling weakly clearly very tired and jet lagged.

Florian smiled back " _I'll really miss this patootie's jokes_ " he said to his self as he looked at Ralf's dorky smile, he'd remember this, he'd miss this because who knows? Florian would probably gone the next day or right now, this instant.

"I thought it was the maid or something, I saw your shadow just stand there and I got really confused when I saw you there instead of the maid..so what's wrong you feeling alright?" Ralf asked tilting his head to the side a little bit slightly raising an eyebrow.

 ** _"_** _he does that when he's confused I'll miss that_ ** _"_** Florian tried to gather as much as possible. His great last big memories here . . every quirk that Ralf will do, every smile, every breath, every last word, _everything_.

 "Hey . . Flori, are you alright?", he asked again and again tilting his head slightly to the other side.

"Ha? . . ah-uh, yeah . . I just-just, I just need to talk to you about something" Florian stuttered and started to quite exaggerate his hand movements, fuck this was nerve-wrecking.

Florian gently pushed Ralf gently back in, closing the door behind him shut. Florian with his still lowered down feeling guilt and regret, biting his lip taking little steps towards to Ralf little by little, little . . by . . little and by little by little his legs also little by little trembled and so did his hands, body and finally his heart, his heart beating faster banging his chest feeling like it would come out any moment. Finally right before his eyes just a few inches away feeling his trembling breath and his with the aroma of coffee was still there bitter, warm, sweet, just like him. _Just like Ralf_.

" _I'll miss that._ "

Florian gulped looking down at the floor, afraid that his tears might pour down anytime Florian took a deep breath feeling whole again, feeling courage build up again somewhere in him as it did Florian took a quick last look at Ralf's face, oh so innocent, aging like a fine wine, those blue eyes just like he said to his self gather as much as last memories as much as possible till it's still there, till it's still in front of you, Florian wrapped Ralf embracing him tightly the feeling of your body and senses tingle, the feeling of your heart beating so fast.

" _I'll miss this_."

Florian untightened his wrapped arms slowly letting go of the confused Ralf, Florian took step back already prepared for ready an outburst, ready for anything.

"Ralf, I know it has been 17 years, that long. It might feel not like it, not that long, it just felt like another day another time, another week or month that things haven't died out and that time didn't seem to be that fast . . but it has, it has passed now it has been 17 years and, hah, we're getting old too . . I had so much fun with you . . so much but . . Ralf, I'm not enjoying where we're going anymore . . I'm tired . . and I'm afraid about you, about . . Kraftwerk. Ralf I've been thinking for so long about this ever since the path . . that we were both taking were going up there in so many different ways and it's like we're missing something, I'm not . . very happy about it anymore and all the touring and things. Ralf, I want to leave Kraftwerk, I'm sorry, I'm . . so sorry."

Ralf stared at Florian like he was insane, Ralf thought it was one of his pranks and jokes again but this one, it hurts it felt sincere.

"Florian, please don't joke like that you know how important you are to me,to each other . . right?" Ralf smiled nervously.

"Ralf . . I'm not joking anymore."

"Florian, please it's not funny." Ralf croaked trying to cover it with a giggle

"It isn't."

"Oh c'mon, Florian!, I told you not to!-"

"Ralf. I'm serious-" Florian cut off Ralf a little bit annoyed about Ralf thought he was only about jokes and fooling around.

"Oh, FUCK OFF!" Ralf spat cutting off Florian back as he felt his blood boil which gets the most of him smashing a nearby wine glass with his own fist that was displayed placed on the table by the window where he scanned the view.

Florian didn't flinch as he was expecting it, Florian stood by the side of the gritting his teeth, his eyes averted to the ground.

"You know , hmm?, you started it, it was _YOU!_. . and-" Ralf shouted pointing his trembling finger at Florian.

"No! I-yes!, but you twisted _everything!_ " Florian shouted back feeling guilty about the mess it was true it was because of him but Ralf did twist it, taking our idea so seriously turning it into some lifestyle!

"You turned me into this, didn't you?" Ralf muttered smirking as he tightly wrapped around a handkerchief around his bleeding right hand.

"Wha- . . I . . you took it far Ralf . . you-you even started to act differently, live differently!, I don't even know you anymore."

Ralf's smirk slowly disappeared and as it did his face grew more darker as if pushed to his limit ready to kill anyone who will stand on his way, tightening his wrapped handkerchief around his hand again. Ralf shook his bleeding hand cursing under his breath as he slowly started to prowl towards Florian, charging forward until he finally was able to reach out his "best friend" aggressively grabbed him by his collar pushing him against the wall smashing Florian's stomach with a jab, Florian grasped onto Ralf's arm almost breaking it sobbing, whimpering, and grinding his teeth in pain trying so his best to contain his self from screaming and from hurting Ralf back like he deserved it more, feeling his blood rush up to his head making him feel dizzy, weak, and through his throat tasting the irony salty taste of blood, dropping to the floor like a dropped doll holding onto his stomach breathing heavily and choking on his breath, blood, and tears.

Ralf limped to the edge of the bed, dropping as he sat down on the bed refraining his self from ripping his hair out shouting the overflowing emotions and feelings that was bubbling up in him as he slowly started to sob in his hands, feeling so betrayed, an asshole, and most of all incomplete and detached from everything and him, even though he was still there, even though everything was still and in peace the world felt like it was slowly shaking and crumbling into pieces. Maybe, maybe this is all just a dream, maybe it's just another nightmare?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Snow poured heavily again the wind howled rattling and moistening every window of the hotel that would send shivering chills down to anyone's spine, the place fell silent and chilly only the occasional howling of the wind that would rattle the window was the only thing that would disturb the silence.

Anger and the fear of being all alone in this world, it got hold of him, Ralf felt numb and reckless god he cared too much, too much can you see oh how ironic life is? You wouldn't hurt someone you love right? But look what happened. Look what fucking happened.

The thick fog of the tension started to gradually clear up,but somehow exposing the heavy crippling pain and emotions build up in his tight chest, every minute Ralf puffed and gasped for air, the tears that won't stop pouring draining his pale face even more,his eye reddening in irritation from all the rubbing the salty taste in his dry mouth and stinging throat. Ralf sat there staring out the window completely blank and frozen by the sudden pain and heavy emotions, it happened too fast, all of the sudden, so fast and all of the sudden that he got reckless. He didn't think it through, he should've understood him and Florian have been together for years and as those years, weeks, days, months pass by everyday seeing Florian grow more and more unresponsive, quiet, and unhappy.

That mysterious and funny smile of his grew strangely more mysterious, seeing it would be an angels order, he rarely gave genuinely smiled anymore the one with feelings and so much happiness in it, the joker vibe, his smile did die out his jokes and his playful eyes slowly turned gloomy, almost unlively anymore seeing it every single moment of their lives was covered by a joke or a plain smile when asked if he was alright if only he said what he really felt, still it would hurt Ralf, it was impossible . . it was too much, they both felt disappointed, betrayed and used after all these years, he hid it so well with heavy aching feelings on his shoulders.

Oh Florian ever so jolly and recklessly indecisive with his choices, a "perfectionist" they say when actually he's another kid who mastered wearing his mask perfectly from the world, so innocent, secretive, and aggressive in times the only person in the world to ever lift Ralf's spirits up to make him feel sane and at the same time go crazy with his jokes, roaring in laughter, would you let go of someone who did so much to fill in some little cracks in your life? Does Florian feel the same about letting go? Or did he really got tired?

" _God no, God please no. I feel so incomplete. No._ "

And all this ruckus just because of him and a little favour that for sure if Ralf approved of would make him sad but still he could fix it, he might still get to talk to him everyday. Hearing Florian's groaning and quiet sobbing gave Ralf a pinch of guiltiness in his guts hearing every second of it made him uneasy it felt like a hard slap back right in his face just to realise that there were so many ways to understand and face the situation, he just felt betrayed and alone with his ideas he felt scared because maybe if he did let Florian get away maybe Florian won't ever look back to him anymore or maybe Florian was trying to finish their friendship? Was he? Did he get boring? Did he not give him the attention he needed? What did I do? Dammit what was it? Ralf sat still on his bed blinking sleepily, rocking back and forth . . What even time is it?

" **9:49 P.M** "

"Shit!" Ralf cursed under his breath slapping his forehead feeling his senses work up again well, slightly feeling wake up and rushed remembering that they were scheduled to go back home at 4 a.m, great he should have been gone to bed an hour ago not knowing that the chilly night was already dying out that the choir fell silent, the children that were playing were already at home in their beds fast asleep, that every Christmas light was already turned off it didn't matter anyway, if this happened in Düsseldorf it would be much more painful and isolating. Ralf rubbed his salty heavy eyes and reached out for the tissue box by the side of the bed, blowing his nose turning to were Florian laid down feeling so much worry about him laying on the cold floor and who know he might throw up in pain.

Ralf could not ever resist him, ever. Ralf crumpled the tissue throwing it a few inches away to his right below the table where Ralf almost fell asleep while drinking his coffee as he observed his chilly surroundings outside the misty window. Florian fell asleep curled up on the floor, he fell asleep hugging his stomach where Ralf's punch swelled up, he fell asleep crying. He fell asleep retching up blood in his throat with little stains of blood splattered on the collar of his blue shirt, all he wanted was to rest, all he wanted was to leave the band peacefully whilst still maintaining his relationship with Ralf, not a punch in the gut. No.

Ralf yanked the tucked in blanket, grabbed two pillows laying it all of it down gently to the ground next to Florian laying down on the bare ground shivering, Ralf gently lifted up Florian's head slipping a fluffy big pillow under, took of his shoes and socks setting it aside under the bed and lastly wrapping him with the thick blanket before Ralf quickly went to the bathroom to change in his much more comfortable clothes, he took a warm bath after the show anyway which Ralf accidentally took a 1 hour sleep to. Ralf prepared and settled everything once and for all before the clock magically strikes at 3 a.m and also made sure that nothing was going to be left behind except for the incident, now that's going to be left the hell behind.

Ralf set his pillow next to Florian slowly lifting up the blanket and laid down beside his friend slowly slipping in under the covers without flinching or bumping him or whatever part on his body swelled in pain waking him up and causing him to feel more of the aching pain. Ralf laid down flat on his back gazing at the ceiling and chandeliers for a whole 2 solid minutes, feeling his neck ache and yet another endless pouring of his tears will come. He cleared his stingy throat, gulping it all back down and blinking his misty eyes a few times and actually felt his guts tingle in anxiety as he turned to face him. Appreciating every little thing that he didn't have the chance nor had the time to admire maybe for the very last time.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry . . I'm so sorry." he whispered to his sleeping friend lightly running his fingers down Florian's hair, tracing his fingers lightly everywhere and caressing his thumb down his stubbly face.

"Fine, I'd . . let you go, but please, please don't you ever forget all of this like nothing happened between the two of us, it will of course  hurt me so much to see you walking down the street, happy without me, that someone else, well you get it anyway, I'm such a jealous possessive asshole, . . possessive? Whatever . . I know that it sounds so selfish but the crazy things love can do is a thing that you can never escape."

Wait. Love? Crazy things?

Ridiculous.

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as I promised a 3rd chapter, sorry for the delay tho yikey, sorry, well actually it was kind of hard to find the right time and "motivation" but anyway.  
> Yay.  
> Hoha yay.  
> :D

**9:52 P.M**

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry . . I'm so sorry." Ralf whispered in his shaky voice over and over again pausing every now and then for air rubbing circles around Florian's shoulders and nape over and over and over and over again he apologised ready to breakdown and go hysterical again, trembling all over with so much emotions.

"Fine, I'd . . let you go, but please, please don't you ever forget all of this like nothing happened between the two of us,"

" _Hmph, why would I ever forget about you?_ " Florian whispered in reply in his mind to Ralf, smiling faintly.

". . it will of course  hurt me so much to see you walking down the street, happy without me, that someone else, well you get it anyway, I'm such a jealous possessive asshole,"

" _Hah, you are possessive_ "

". . possessive? Whatever . . I know that it sounds so selfish but the crazy things love can do is a thing that you can never escape."

" _. . Wait, l- love? Ralf? Love? What are you talking about?, Wh- what?_ ", Florian uncomfortably winced a little at the thought of Ralf's "love" for him pretending to sleep and snore in his "dreamless deep sleep", simply listening to every word Ralf said and to every breath, gasp, and hic he did as Ralf caressed and traced his face lightly everywhere from his nose, eyelids, lips, chin, everywhere. Which Florian has to admit, tickled and itched he wanted to giggle and itch his face so badly but the only thing he could do was shift and hide in his face deeper the pillow which actually was a bad idea, It. Got. Worse.

Florian heard and felt Ralf shuffle closer and closer to him wrapping a leg around his and resting his head just by his ear, Ralf's mouth were only a few centimeters away from Florian's cheek and ear and one little movement can place a little warm peck on Florian's cheek, Ralf whispered so many things in his ear, his breath was hot it moistened and made Florian prickle out steamy sweat the room was fairly warm but Ralf's warmth plus his breath, God. And again Florian was still upset about what happened he a part of him wanted to shove Ralf away and the other part of him wanted to apologise, hold Ralf so tight till he stops crying and hurting not minding Ralf's punches and hurtful rants, Florian knew that all his ranting and shouting were something Ralf would regret and take back, but Florian didn't care anymore Ralf could say anything he wants he could throw a punch at him anytime he wants to, Florian thought that he deserved it, all of what Ralf threw at him all the words that spat in anger and sadness, he deserved it.

"If you were only, listening, if you were only awake right now, I know you'd freak out that you'd be so confused, but fuck!", "fuck . .", "fuck . . I'm fa-", Ralf paused feeling his words hold back in. " You know what . . we're early tomorrow we need sleep, night, night Florian . . Schneider-Esleben." Ralf sighed, smiling and buried his face in Florian's neck probably attempting to sniff Florian's musky fragrance in maybe for comfort, and also maybe for the very last time. Ralf within a few minutes breathing and out freely into Florian's neck fell asleep, finally. Florian fell silent with his argument with his self and his replies to Ralf going on in his head, Florian opened his eyes to see of course darkness in the pillow where his face was buried deep in, and then he did what he wanted to do the most, it was to itch the living hell out of his face and shift a little bit to the corner for some cool air Ralf's breath was moistening up his ear and neck it was far too much warmth and moist.

What now Florian? Would you still leave him? Kraftwerk?

Florian stared at the wall to his left completely blank, with nothing in mind, nothing . . nothing. But that one voice that kept banging his state of tiredness and blankness kept shouting in his head. Would he leave? Would I leave? Would I leave? Would I leave? The question went round and round ringing in his head shaking him back to reality slowly where everything including life felt much more cold, much more harder than the floor and much more salty than blood, reality . . oh reality.

Should I?

Should I?

Should fucking I?

Am I being selfish? To not consider what Ralf is feeling and is going through?

If I could only at least start all over again and change that one thing. If I only noticed the mistake. I wish, I just wish that I could somehow change that one thing or maybe if I cleared it up with Ralf and waited for the right fucking time, everything must have been so different or maybe not, maybe . . it could have been much worse. Florian wanted to breakdown again and sleep with a loaded gun pointed to his head ready to shoot his brains out. Did things really had to be unfathomable?

"I'm sorry Ralf but I want to leave the band but . . but . . fucking hell but what?! Florian?! But WHAT?!"

Florian sighed as he at the same time screamed endlessly in his head, balling up his clammy fists, anyway we are early tomorrow Ralf . . aren't we? Need some rest right? Is this . . is this really going to be the very last time? Shit . . I don't know, I . . it's so hard Ralf, I'm so sorry, please-please forgive me. I don't even want you to feel my presence anymore, I should . . just leave you . . you don't even need me that much anymore. Right? Right? . . hmm, right.

**10:09 P.M**

"Goodnight . ."

". . and goodbye."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh, I know it's short sorry, but I actually was going to write more in this chapter 2 weeks after what happened in the story and when I did it kind of didn't fit the mood for me. So basically I have chapter 4 prepared which I am still editing but I promise maybe after a few hours or maybe the very next day after this chapter is posted I will post chapter 4 if I can.
> 
> Hoho.


	4. Chapter 4

Almost two weeks has passed and also did another jolly, chilly and warm at heart Christmas again with a New Year, maybe. Even bringing us with a fresh new start.

25th of December 1987 in Düsseldorf, Kraftwerk held a little warm celebration in their little second home the café where they grew, matured, shared ideas, ate ice cream, cakes, and talked about cycling that would often bore Karl to death and Wolfgang to lose his interest and even with cooperating with the group further more into the so called "future". Ralf missed all of it so badly the petty arguments, pulling an all nighter, having little food fights and getting scolded by the owner, staying at Florian's and drinking his parent's untouched liquor. Every single of it, especially when Christmas came that's when he realised that everything, wasn't the same way it is anymore and it took him years just realise it. All this time, all this time he didn't realised that everything slowly crumbled and faded away, that everything spun out of control was it because he was too concentrated about this one thing? God, fuck . . I should have known, I should have stopped and turned the right way. Why did I let this happen?

For the very first time, Florian wasn't there, he wasn't late or anything, he was just gone. Not a single telephone call, a letter, anything. Not even a telegram but let's just hope it isn't a telegram. Ralf has quite mastered pulling of a fake quivering smile all throughout the party, laughing at silly jokes that weren't even funny hoping that one thing deep down in him would go away the feeling of missing him, everything, hearing his baritone voice hum a Christmas song, Wolfgang's drunken stories, and all the four of them conducting a little "tap the table and I'll create a beat and you over there give us the rhythm and melody." It was fun. It really was.

Maybe, just maybe, all of this was really just another nightmare. Maybe Florian might be in the studio as a surprise, or maybe if I close my eyes again and sleep I might wake up from an afternoon nap from this nightmare with Florian fiddling around his equipment, with my cold coffee by the synthesizer, maybe Florian would be there asking me if I were having a nightmare and that he was glad that I woke up. Ralf felt the lump ache again arise from his throat to choke him again and his eyes build up painful stingy tears, Ralf cleared his throat as he got up smiling at each guest in the party holding his tears at his best but failed as soon as he got out of the café it fell amply and as it did all he wanted to do was lay down on the pavement and shout broken promises, things he wanted to say and wail his heart out till he just slowly freezes to death. But doing that would be overly too dramatic and people would see.

Ralf wanted to isolate his self from everything at the moment and let the imaginary knives stab and slowly pierce his chest, Ralf let it all spill out as he in his car rocking back and forth thwacking the car's door every rocking of back and forth he did, involuntarily shaking his head sobbing and sobbing for minutes. But as yet another minute has passed over Ralf's weeping, Ralf stopped for good, fiddled his pocket for the car keys, tried shoving in the car keys and failed after a few attempts and finally, finally got it in, turned it the keys, starting the engine of the car as the engine vroomed and the radio switch channels and play music Ralf sighed in relief feeling his senses finally come back to its normal state, to remind him that he was still alive after all the sobbing and his plans to welcome death with open arms, and that everything still worked out just fine.

Ralf set his foot on the pedal when an abrupt and loud knock, knocked on his window scaring the soul out of his sentimental state, Ralf shot a death glare that wasn't even one percent scary it looked like he lazily turned to whatever or whoever was there with a messy drained look in his whole presence, outside the shivering cold was Emil smiling in his thick coat and squinting his eyes, waving his hands around, probably trying to say something.

"Ralf, come, come. Please, come with me" Emil mouthed his words one by one for Ralf to understand, tapping the window and gesturing Ralf to come back in with him in the café. Ralf instantly turned his keys, unfastening his seat belt, feeling worry pump up in his chest and senses. 

Emil grasped Ralf's hand pulling him back into the café forcing Ralf to walk fast and stagger behind as they walked at the thick mushy snow.

"E- Emil, wait a second, what's wrong? C'mon I want to go home!"

"A telephone call, for you."

"Who is it then?"

"I don't know, but they sounded like a girl and I'm not sure if they were sobbing or giggling"

Ralf and Emil were once again back inside the café, Ralf felt warm and much more relaxed for a split second when the telephone call. That telephone call, it made him panic, sobbing? Jeez maybe it's just crazy fan who's pulling off a perfect plan on him. But the feeling, that freaking feeling of it being about Florian. Ralf followed Emil through the dim hallways of the café leading him to the men's toilet just next to the café's basement where the telephone on the wall hanged, Emil spoke to the person on the line for a few seconds with a certain look in his face that made Ralf worry even more.

"U-huh, okay. I- yes, I understand, I'm very sorry. Ah?,yes yes he's right next to me", "Ralf, here." Emil handed the phone to Ralf before leaving him alone with the unknown caller.

Ralf covered the phone's mouth clearing his throat a few times preventing it from aching and himself from overreacting, maybe the call might be not that bad, shit why am I even thinking about things like this?

"Hello?"

Hics, sobbing, and whining of a woman can be heard from the other line.

"Hello!" the woman abruptly spat sounding annoyed.

"Yes?"

"Is this Ralf?!"," what?! Eehh! It's really cold!" the woman shouted back to someone stomping her feet, complaining and whining can be heard from the other line again.

"Hmph! Here you go!", the phone rattled as if it was being shoved or passed to someone "Asshole! Let's just go home! It's so coold!" the woman's voice echoed at the background.

"Ralf, I'm sorry, that I didn't  went to our little celebration . . haha, I was kind of stuck with my family. Well our relatives came over and we had these endless cheesy games, gift giving and a lot of things. I'm really sorry." a baritone voice greeted him that for the love of god felt like it stopped time, Ralf's breath hitched, closing his eyes feeling the pumping panic in his chest subside in him and that one certain warmth fill him up everywhere, everything felt like it stopped and was stuck at the moment.

"Flo . ." Ralf breathed, oh god it's him. Oh god. "I- I was a bit upset you know."

"Florian!"

"Hey, hey."

"Hey!"

"Hey!"

"Hey!"

"Hey?"

"Hahaha, hey."

"Okay."

"Hmm?"

"What?"

"What?!"

"Okay!"

"Ohhkay."

Silence struck their little moment a few seconds, but both of them knew that both of them were smiling and snickering quietly to themselves. Ralf wanted to ask him so many questions, but trying to catch breath because of excitement isn't quite easy.

"Florian, I miss you. Where on earth are you? I thought!- I thought this was some serious emergency! Emil told me that he heard sobbing and- and . . shouting! I was so worried! Florian please don't scare us like that, please."

"Ralf, I . . . ahaha!" Florian sighed, uncontrollably giggling heartily. "Oh, it's sissy, she came with me, our little great escape! She's whining and sobbing because she wanted to go somewhere else and I told her to stay here if she wants to and that I'll leave her here in the middle of nowhere and . . oop, there she goes with her cab, ah! She left me!"

Ralf snickered, until he finally gave in and laughed harder than he thought, it was such a good laugh it was genuine it came from his heart and it choked him, it always felt so good to get a good laugh every now and then, Ralf had to distance the phone away from him before he pisses his self from laughing, resting for a good few seconds before gasping back to relax his aching jaw and abdomen to reach the phone trying to talk again through the phone coherently.

"Flo . . Florian, where, where are you? Seriously?"

"Come out here."

"Seriously."

"Come out here silly."

"Alright, I'm coming out."

Ralf hanged up the phone first, of course he was excited, that he even gushed out the café not minding the wasted crowd dancing around and singing merrily, the place stank of alcohol, smoke, and sweat it was already getting unbearable the place was pretty much going to be in chaos within a few more drinks and dancing but for now all it mattered was that Ralf was out of there with Florian.

"Florian! Florian!" Ralf yelled not minding his throat strain after a couple of minutes yelling Florian's name over and over and over again, Ralf felt like Florian was just playing around with him again Ralf actually felt a little bit like he was being really played on but his hopes were high, Ralf slowly walked backwards for a good view of the place hoping he spots him despite the thick snowfall and the darkness when a pair of arms lingered at his sides, wrapping tightly around his waist pulling him closer and closer.

"Quit yelling, and calm down for once", Florian whispered in Ralf's ear and this time Ralf was the one who shivered in Florian's warm breath, feeling his voice vibrate on his nape was so amazing, Ralf turned to face him grabbing Florian's face squeezing and doing so many various things with his friend's face, oh that stubbly face that wonderful nose, lips, and sharp blue eyes, oh how I missed them and I'll be forever remembering it. Forever.

"Flo! . . Florian!" Ralf gasped still holding his face firmly, the urge of wanting to kiss him, but Florian . . he might. Shit. It was so hard to pretend, to hide and lie and now he's out of his grip, Florian is going to let go. He doesn't have any clue what Ralf is feeling, what Ralf wants so desperately.

"Hey." Florian smiled, making funny faces trying to cheer up his friend who probably didn't knew that tears were falling out of his eyes.

"Hey, shh, don't cry" Florian wiped Ralf's tears away with his scarf gently not wanting to scratch his face.

"What? I'm- I'm crying?"

"Haha-haha, yes, in fact you've been crying for minutes now."

"What? Really?" Ralf wiped his tears that continued to fall without his notice.

"Florian, are you. Are you really sure about this? About leaving?"

A corner of Florian's lip and as well as his warm happy aura dropped down, "Yes." 

Ralf hics biting his lip nodding his head up and down up and down, hearing his reply was like smack across the face, wow, Florian, Ralf looked up at the sky at the ground still nodding his head like an idiot avoiding the person in front of him because looking directly at those sharp blue eyes, that face will make him weep harder it hurts, but that what he wants Florian probably had so much, he probably really had enough of the grip that Ralf had around his neck.

"Florian . . Schnei-Schneider" he croaked feeling his throat tighten, gulping and shooting his gaze everywhere.

"I'll miss you so, so much.", " Florian Schneider I'll never forget you, I'll always still be there . . for you."

"I'll always still be there for you Ralf, I'm only leaving Kraftwerk, not you."

Ralf smiled broadly with tears still pouring generously out of his reddened sleepy eyes, "Flo . . come here." Ralf raked through Florian's hair pulling him closer to Ralf as he did.

And finally Ralf had his guts aligned, having the courage back again to face him and look him directly in the eye and scanning every detail once more. He wanted it engraved in his mind, he was beautiful and amazing, and now I'm fucking losing him.

"Florian."

"Ralf."

"Forget me not, Florian." Ralf croaked again slightly shaking his friend's head within his firm grip.

"For. Get. Me . . Not."

"I won't. I won't."

"Please. I beg you, I beg you Florian. For . . forget me not"

Florian grabbed Ralf embracing him so tightly that Ralf let out a gruff groan, "Never, I promise. Do you?"

"I promise too Florian. I promise."

**12:50 A.M**

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry about my grammar and misspellings omf, I will fix it as soon as possible if I have time. I am so sorry and wow I can't believe that people are still reading this when it's clearly a poorly written fic. But anyway thank you.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skip this chapter if you are faint hearted, vulnerable (maybe at the moment) and is going through triggering problems. Nothing scary will pop out cross my heart. And if you're risking it and you're going to shout at me. Don't.  
> xD

**3:21 A.M**

The sudden shrill ringing of the phone shook Florian's whole presence up like an earthquake almost, the thing almost made a calling to heaven to fetch his soul. He wasn't used to having that much telephone calls at all, he'd only receive one when it was about something important or an emergency. Florian rolled his eyes inhaling a good amount of air sighing, definitely nettled by this 3 in the fucking A.M telephone call this call should better be important and worth his time. The ringing continued, soon enough his body slowly started up like an engine eventually cooperating with him and somehow came to life from its slumber, while his heavy eyes were ridiculously still glued shut. Great, just great.

Florian sighed wanting to shout at the caller but no, the only people who would call him this late was Ralf, Karl, Wolfgang well not really, and his family unless it was important. But it was mostly Ralf. It might be Ralf . . Ralf?. Wait, Ralf? Oh god did he get home safely? He was pretty tired and groggy and he had to drive all the way to his apartment. Wait! No! Florian what the hell are you thinking?! Stop, stop, stop, fucking stop Flo! Stop! He's fine Flo . . he's fine he's probably deep asleep drooling in his bed or maybe he's just playing around again with his synths writing a song with his bitter hot coffee by his side to keep him awake I hope he doesn't spill it on him or on the music sheets though like the las time. Ralf . . he should really try to sleep much more earlier regularly it's really messing him up. Ralf whatever you are doing this late at night for heaven's sake please as much as possible keep it low and have some rest for once.

But there was this one time where Ralf fell asleep in the middle of driving and . . Argh! Okay, okay, okay, he's perfectly fine. God stop making yourself so damn nervous! 

The thought of Ralf and his family that twisted and turned into a concatenation of bad thoughts that Florian's brain projected gravely knocking him out of his drunken annoyed state jolting him up fully awakening him, when suddenly the ringing of the telephone stopped leaving an unusual aura around him and silence, Florian felt panic rose up inside at this point taking deep inhales and exhales hoping that the annoying impromptu telephone call would ring again. That unusual feeling the pit of his stomach and the ambiance of the room lingered in him. Was it because of the cold? Was it maybe he got up to fast? The whole moment lasted for good 5 minutes completely enveloped in silence and stillness with only Florian's pumping heart and agitated breath banging into the silence and the stillness of everything when time again felt like it stopped, it always did when certain things happen and it made him nervous, it always did that thing, with that certain feeling, it scared him.

"CLINK!" "SHATTER!"

The thick glass shattered slipping where it was poorly placed on top of a magazine at the very edge of the dining table alarming Florian even more tunneling his senses in agitation, when at the same time when everything started to bubble up more in agitation the phone rang again, Florian's heart skipped a beat, snatching the phone placing it to his ear listening intensively so eager to hear and know who it was.

Yelling, cars drifting and crackling of the phone's sound recognition can be heard.

"Faster! FASTER!" someone shouted, badly cracking their voice. What is this? A prank call?

"Hello? Polymedic."

"Po- polymedic?" Florian stuttered, completely bewildered.

"Yes sir, are you by any chance a relative of-"

"We're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again."

The line cut off.

Great I just wasted my energy out of probably nothing important or maybe even a wrong number, great. But the freaking curiosity and the nervousness that still filled him, prompting Florian to dial Emil's number with his trembling fingers slipping dialing the wrong number a few times of dialing his number Emil didn't unfortunately answer his calls, oh great who am I going to call now? Fuck Who? Who?

Papa? Mama? Henning? Fritz? Karl? . . Karl!

Without any doubt whether Karl was awake, asleep or busy or on a date Florian dialed his number this time without failing to reach or call the wrong number, "Heaven's sake Karl please answer me, please, please, please answer, fucking please!" Florian's leg jumped up and down involuntarily again like crazy, he fidgeted, bit his fingers, gulped, and painfully he waited for an answer like an idiot making a big deal out of the whole telephone call that would probably might have been a great big misinterpretation. Well, first of all something felt so fucking off and now he was agog, polymedic? Seriously now that's not fucking right is it?

Florian felt his heart skip a beat again when he heard the phone being picked up and yet there it was again, a series of shouting and voices cracking echoed in the background. Florian's insides went insane, what is happening? What is this?. Florian bit his finger, breathing fast becoming more restless his impatience and anxiousness can't take it anymore he felt like he would explode, this telephone call might've been a wrong call and you need to calm down or else you might jinx it he kept telling his self over and over again. But Karl has already picked up the phone and all he can do was listen and probably die a little inside.

"Hello?! Florian! Flo- . . Florian!" Karl shouted his voice squeaking as he tried to lower and calm his voice, Karl sounded like. Like he was crying, for hours and hours. Florian couldn't say a single word, whatever this was, whatever Karl was crying about made him wanted to drop everything it snapped a different tone to him. But maybe he was just overreacting maybe Karl was crying because his favourite artist released a new album or maybe his favourite team won Fuck don't exaggerate Florian! Florian took a deep shaky breath before feeling his paralysed mouth wanting to gab about what was happening, why was Karl sobbing and shouting and that why was Ralf's personal number with the freaking polymedic?

"Florian! _-_ FLORIAN!" Karl hic and yelled, his voice trembling. "FLORIAN! FLO-FLORIAN!" Karl cried again that upon receiving Karl's shouts the phone vibrated cracking the sound it received.

"Karl." Florian took a deep breath gulping at his best just to calm down, hoping that this was just something laugh about, that this was something that Florian can shake off as Karl clears his crying the fuck up and do a punchline or maybe scream about his favourite artist or something just to stop this thing that went wild inside him more and more.

". . okay, a few minutes ago. A-a, few-" Florian croaked choking at his sentence, his whole body quavering.

"Karl. Poly-, polymedic . . . Polymedic . . Ralf.", Florian gulped again. "Karl. I know that the fucking number that called was Ralf's, Karl, what. The fuck. Is going on? Hmm? . . Karl! Karl tell me!" Florian roared, his body trembling.

"KARL! ANSWER ME!" Florian shrieked in the verge of tears and insanity.

"Flo . . Rah . . _hic_ , Ralf got in an . . ac-accident", "he- he got in an accident!, ca- car crash. And you were the one who apparently got to know about it first."

Car. . crash.

Car.

Crash.

Florian dropped the telephone to the ground nearly smashing it open. And every single thing at once in one split second.

**3:37 A.M**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really need to stop writing, haaaa...  
> This is shite.  
> Waaahhh..


	6. Chapter 6

**December 27, 1987**

**Sunday afternoon,**

**2:57 P.M**

You're a fucking dingbat Ralf Hütter. God, I hate you, you're ludicrous.

Laid down on the hospital's bed, almost lifeless. Your shaven head wrapped up again with those white bandages that you complained about being too tight when you woke up after the cycling accident and asked where your bike was. You were so damn immature, you needed a whack in the head to shake you awake sometimes, but you know? When you woke up and asked where your bike was and that if it was alright, I felt jealous and dismayed about it, I couldn't believe that I was getting jealous and annoyed over a bike and I realised that I actually wasn't really that important to you, that you never really cared, that I was just another band mate accompanying you with "your" ideas you could have told me what you really meant and felt about me. I felt that cold hard smack across me finally swell and ache, you . . you really just don't care anymore do you?

And yet I'm here with you, by your side glancing and checking up on you you every minute, every hour like an idiot thinking that maybe you're playing around and that all this time you were awake playing peek-a-boo with me smiling to yourself when I wasn't looking. Ralf, did you know that when I came in your room to see you like this, lying down on the bed,  your head and the other left half of your face covered with bandages, purple dark bruises and cuts that mostly scattered at the left of your body, the small cuts started to heal though that probably would leave a scar on your pale body, you don't know how I almost wanted to drop down to the floor just to apologise over and over again and saying how much an asshole you are? How reckless you are. I wanted to shake you awake and rip out your IV fluids.

I wonder what you are thinking about right now, you're always thinking, working, going forward, you were unstoppable. And every so often the your fingers and the side of your lip twitches, my heartbeat rises, I lean in forward closely hoping to be pierced again by the stare of your gentle but piercing blue eyes looking directly into me. The pitying looks that everyone gave me when you flinch or twitch slightly. I know what I looked like and what everyone said to me about my current state. Unusually pale, desperate, and sleep-deprived.

I am but I didn't care.

All of it was my fault, Florian couldn't bear to watch him anymore it filled him with guilt and false hope, I guess that hospitals were always and was full of it.

He wasn't dead, he was just in a coma he will wake up any time soon and if he does everything could go back to being completely normal again, playing and writing music together, going to the café , Florian eating Ralf's cake when he isn't looking, Ralf drawing on Florian's face with a marker, playfully smacking each other with towels it sounded cheesy and out of place but God Florian missed every single of it and when Ralf wakes up he promises that he'd spend every single day with him that Ralf needed unless he wakes up looking for his bike again asking if the "thing" was alright.

Florian looked down at his face, he looked peaceful. No anger, sadness, and worry in him he had felt when he drove all the way to his apartment all groggy with probably a lot of things going through his mind, corrupting him, pushing him to his limits until he completely went out of control.

Florian paced around the room, glancing at Ralf when Florian felt like Ralf's eyes followed him around the room. Ralf was fine, IV fluids giving him more nutrients than Ralf gave himself in a day, blankets and pillows that probably was so warm and comfortable. Ralf is okay, he was fine, he was just sleeping.

I can't believe that I'm losing my mind, this is unbelievable it has only been 2 days and I'm going crazy. Florian walked over to Ralf's bed and stood beside him, Florian was almost lifeless too everything in him was completely drained out dry.

Florian laid down to the cold hard floor, staring blankly again at the ceiling, grasping Ralf's hanging hand firmly as if they were both holding on for their lives. Florian was so tired and so was Ralf they were pushed to their limits, they have already accomplished in their lives and now all they wanted was to rest without any care of the world, Florian smiled weakly at his friend's hand that twitched but he knew that he still wouldn't wake up, he probably never will. Florian flicked the cap off the bottle chugging it down thirstily, not a single drop was wasted. He closed his eyes, he was just going to sleep too with Ralf anyway.

The cyanide that trailed down his throat was painful and awful, but he didn't mind, there was always something much worse than that.

The screechy beeping of Ralf's heart monitor turned into a flat line.

Ralf's hands were already turning cold and stiff.

Florian smiled as he heard the echoing of the heart monitor slowly drain and tunnel out.

Equilibrium, a state in which two opposing forces are balanced. That's how we are, right Ralf?

You fell, and I'll fall too to restore balance, to be fair.

We're together now, perfectly in balance.

I couldn't take it anymore, I gave up. I'm sorry.

But you know we're just going to fall into a deep sleep, without any care in the world, just you and me.

Forget me not and hold on to me forever and always.

**3:07 P.M**

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end.
> 
> Farewell...
> 
> Don't worry (^ ^) I'm writing a new Kraftwerk fic based on some AU.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOO!
> 
> I. Got. You.
> 
> It is not the end yet. For it is still the beginning of it all.

**December 25, 1987**

**Friday, two days earlier**

**12:50  A.M**

"I promise too Florian. I promise."

He promised, I promised and we're both going to have to go different paths now.

But, but what now? We will be going different paths now, but what am I going to do now? What's Ralf going to do now? Carry on Kraftwerk and keep on lying about a new album?

 

Florian nodded, his head bowed down, hands in his pockets ready to say his last goodbye, or maybe even cry his last cry as he walk away as he slowly cut off something so precious from his life. Back again with reality, no more music making, no more late night gimmick or talks, probably no more Ralf, no more 25 cups of coffee, and living the eccentric isolated life. All of it was gone, was he finally free? Or was he just causing his self more pain? Florian turned away still with his bowed down, feeling so ashamed and hurt enough to look at Ralf. Ralf's just. Every time I'm starting to get rid of every bit he filled in me he comes out of nowhere and messes things. If he's mad at me, if he wants me out of the band so bad seeing me as another useless toy that he got bored with, why is he doing this? Is he doing his thing again where he turns the tables without you knowing making it look like he was the victim?

They both fell silent, not knowing what to do next, not knowing when or who will say goodbye without having to exchange awkward smiles, I will miss and see you's. The two stood in the parking lot like it was some abandoned place where it felt like it was the only two of them and it was so awkward and seriously quiet, they both stood there like strangers, fidgeting around, looking here and there without looking at each other in the eye.

"Uh . . uh, I . . gotta go, bye Ralf" Florian mumbled, turning away from him which, finally, which was a huge relief. But still. still . . . he was walking away from "everything", he was walking away from that beautiful thing that filled the other half of his soul that longed for something that he didn't understand, that he didn't know how to fill in with, and he couldn't believe that what he was walking away from something that he poured and gave everything too without wanting or asking for anything in return, he was walking away from a stranger that held his other half crushing it with his will, he was walking away from someone who really didn't care. From someone who tricked him into being another toy to be just played with.

Ralf plays with everyone, I feel like an idiot. I fell so hard.

"Flo?" Ralf called out confused by the sudden change of Florian's noticeable erupting temper, trying to catch up with Florian's pace along the thick snow that sucked the both of them in.

"Florian! Wait!", "Did I do something wrong? Did I say something? Goddammit Florian can you take it easy!", he won't even take a quick glance or flinch to look over here, who knows I might be drowning or being mugged and he wouldn't even look over here. Wow.

Ralf stopped walking looking the stubborn baby just fucking walk away, personally offended by this temper Florian is having again, fuck this is enough Florian.

"Florian! You know that you don't have the right to be mad." Ralf barked gnashing his teeth, balling up his fists, twitching in irritation. "You don't fucking have the right to-"

"TO WHAT RALF?! TO WHAT?!" Florian growled, snapping as he turned back trying to walk fast all the way back again with the shit snow sucking his feet in.

"Will you stop it with being a perfectionist, because woah! Surprise! Surprise!","No one! No one is perfect Ralf! I can't be perfect, I can't be what you want me to be I'm a fucking person I have feelings, emotions. And a heart, that I bet you barely even ever had."

Ralf was stunned he stood there wanting to know more about what Florian thought about him but it was painful, but that's what it is right? The truth always really did hurt.

"Florian . . I have a heart, I'm human."

"OH?! Oh really? If you do you should have cared, you should have showed more fucking care! You should have understood!", "And you know what, ever since your accident, the first thing you looked for was that damned bike and that it was the only thing that you cared about, your cycling affair, you said that I never really contributed anything to Kraftwerk! That I! That I!" Florian pointed his finger shaking in anger and all of the hurt spill out all at once.

"That I was just another pain the ass, Ralf. Please, don't even try to make a scene to convince me to stay. I know that one day you'll forget me like you forgot Wolfgang, it hurts to pretend and say that you have never met them before and see your friends go, and you're acting like an asshole, I did pretend. For you. I pretended for years! And I just can't take it anymore. You don't need me, I'm not important. "

I . . Florian . . I care, I have a heart. I'm . .

Don't leave . . don't . . don't leave.

I wish, I wish I could explain, I-I . .

**_I have a heart, I have a heart, I have a heart, I have a heart, I have a heart, I have a heart, I have a heart, I have a heart, I have a heart, I have a heart, I have a heart, I have a heart._ **

**_I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care._ **

**1:03 A.M**

**_I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** , ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** , ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** , ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** , ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** , I care, ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care ** _, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care ** _, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** ,  ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** ,  ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** ,  ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** ,  ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** ,  ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** ,  ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** ,  ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** ,  ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** ,  ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** ,  ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** ,  ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** ,  ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care_** ,  ** _I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care, I care._**_**_**_**_**_**_**_ **

 

**_**_**_**_**_**_**_**_I always did._ ** _ ** _ ** _ ** _ ** _ ** _ ** _ **

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**3:19 A.M**

I wish, I wish I could just send every single thing I wanted to say about you I wanted you to feel what I feel without expressing and breaking down in front of you.

I'm sorry Florian, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Everything bottling up in me ready to burst, regret and sadness that painfully stuck in my throat and chest, did my actions and expressions hurt you? Did it made you think that I didn't care? That I was angry at you?

I'm going insane just to tell you everything and to take it all back, what I have said.

I hope it's not too late. Please.

The words that were stuck in my throat and the feelings that slammed and my chest.

I wish you could hear them, they won't get past my quivering mouth and my mind that thought about everything so much holding me back, troubling me.

It's late and it's freezing cold Flo, I wonder if you're asleep, already comfortable and warm.

I'm here on my way home, driving, I feel so restless Florian. I wish I told you how I felt that's why I reacted that way, about you leaving. Ralf sat back up straight, Florian would be mad if he saw this, Ralf slouching his shoulders again, saying how it would cause Ralf's back to ache and be in bad posture telling Ralf all these kind of stuff that would make his slouching worse like a over protective mother that would either poke every single of Ralf's nerve or make him burst into laughter. A laugh that came really deep inside him, it was genuine. He missed laughing like that, he missed how it came from his belly and his heart. Will it be the very last time?

Ralf squinted leaning close to the window watching the road carefully, distracting himself from drumming his fingers at the stirring wheel, listening to the late night radios, and thinking about what to do tomorrow every time he felt his eyes could fall shut anytime. But that one thing that kept his senses awake except for his drowsy eyes was of course Florian, Florian, Florian, apologies and . . the most forbidden thing ever that he always tried to get rid of, that thing that makes your heartbeat elevate, that thing were you have cold sweats, those day dreams, and where you uncontrollably smile and feel so happy, that stupid thing called love.

I want to drown it all out, even that voice of yours that echoed in my head, no matter how tired I was I would forget my problems, just by hearing and listening to it, just by getting wrapped around your arms. I always imagine how you'd say those sweet and dirty things to me, I fantasized about that voice purring into my ear, oh Florian I'm such a horrible human. Those late night thoughts, gasping out your name. Oh God.

He's just a friend. If I told him he'd push me away, he'd make fun of me. I'm scared, but desperate. I'd tell him all but, but this thing that I feel for him was hard to contain, my mouth just couldn't shut up and my heart just couldn't take it anymore.

Florian? Are you dreaming sweetly? Are you crying because of me? Or Are you still burning with anger and hate?

I've regretted so much Florian. Please forgive me. 

I can still remember your last words, they were like deadly bullets. It terrifies me how if I ever could find someone new, I'd still fall asleep to the thought of none other but you. Oh how you were the best part of my life where I thought I was a freak with how the way I saw things, there's just that piece of you that I can never ever get rid of.

I'm hurtling down the highway, as if chasing something.

Turning around the sharp curves with difficulty, slipping and screeching.

Still going fast, forward, gaining my control.

Going white and unclear by the fog.

Swerving.

Fahr'n, Fahr'n, Fahr'n.

 

Fahr'n . . Fahr'n . .

 

Bye, bye, bye . .bye.

 

Bye . . bye . . my baby, bye.

 

_Bells will be ringing,  
_

_The glad, glad news_

_Oh, what a Christmas to have the blues_

_My baby's gone, I have no friends to wish me greetings once again._

_There'll be no more sorrow_  
_No grief and pain_  
_Then I'll be happy, happy_  
_Once again._

**3:25 A.M**

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**12:54 A.M**

"You're leaving? My . . Band? . . My band? . . hmph, finally."

"But do me a favour and get out of my life too."

"I would never . . Ever . . Ever. Let my myself break easily foolishly because of one person, we might have been in business for a while now."

For a while. Business.

Finally?

"Just keep walking away, like a puppy with its tail between its legs. Walk away like you always did."

Of course, it was you, you, and you, the boss, the man to be feared, the president, the king. It was always you. Funny how, you're actually the puppy who has its tail between its little legs  trembling in fear. Turning to me when you're out of words or when you're cold tough mask and ego is being poked on ever so lightly.

Head held up high and proud.

Pathetic.

I hope you'll soon find an antidote for that poison Ralf, let go of it Ralf, put it down and remember where you started. As an underdog, or maybe even one of the rejects. Oh look at you now, a legend. Grandfather of electronic music, you're holding to every single penny and to your insecure pride so much that you let go of the ones you love and hold dear in reality instead, oh I wonder if the face that you show to the world has already taken in form and has eaten a part of you.

Do we have to keep our pace to keep you satisfied?

Everyone is replaceable he says.

Oh, how could anyone love you without tearing themselves down?

* * *

  **3:30 P.M**

Swinging, banging of the door shut, shuffling, and clicking of footsteps gathering around, and sudden hysterical shouting, choked up sobs, whimpering, and something dropping to the floor like a heavy object was carelessly thrown to the floor broke the gray melancholic state. 

"Gone." announced a male voice weakly and hoarse, as if he cried and shouted for hours and hours.

"They're gone."

Hearing the commotion and those sad exchanges of grief and goodbyes . . Was it really over?

faintly it came to linger in Florian's consciousness, he breathed, lifting his fingers, confused when he was either in heaven or back in Ralf's room, he was supposed to be dead why on earth would he be here when he knows that somewhere out there Ralf is happy, that he's gone, I don't have any use anymore Why prolong my life?

You know he couldn't stay right?, you know that he couldn't stay any longer anymore right?

Am I taking back something?

To what? To be shot back here on earth to live and see him get buried? To be haunted everyday with his pale face under his casket?

I'm so childish, ill-tempered, I walked away from some opportunities, every single thing that I could've tried that I feared and made me uncomfortable.

That's it.

I take it back. I fucking take it all back.

He's not gone. No. No he's not. Pssh, no.

I'm just dreaming, I'm in the hotel's floor in Amsterdam. Ralf and I had an unclear argument that went badly more than I expected, he's upset with me, he's just sitting by the bed crying and trying to stop his hand from bleeding more. It's 9 o'clock, December 14th of 1987, Monday, we're tired from tour and shivering from the cold. Look! Look! I can hear Ralf sobbing! I swear it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him.

A female voice shouted rapping Florian's ears and all the emotions insanely stir in out of control in him, he squeezed his eyes tighter shifting his head to the side, well, well, well looks like someone accomplished slapping Florian with so much guilt and regret. Was it really my fault?

"Ralf's gone?" a familiar male voice said.

Haha no. No he's not. Pfft, Karl, is that him?

Florian was still sprawled still on the floor so paralysed and numb blanketed with the coldness of the place and wherever he was lying down on, he can't feel Ralf's warmth above him, that he was just under Ralf's bed, everything felt surreal and cold. God when will I die. Why can't you just let me go?

"Oh, no, no." a female voice wavered in doubt, sniffling as she hiccuped.

That voice, Mrs. Hütter?

"He's-"

"NO!" Florian shouted jolting up, still with his shut tight, holding his salty hot tears in.

That silly crumpled face must've look so ridiculously embarrassing to whoever was around.

Warmth suddenly slowly lingered, breathing on his face, long petite fingers brushed somehow gently shaking his shoulders.

"Florian, son? Bad dreams again?" Mrs. Schneider whispered worryingly, stroking her son's hair.

"M-ma? . . Ma?" Florian slurred feeling his throat dry, and a sudden rush of an unpleasant dizziness and static, churning up his guts.

"Flo, sweetie." Mrs. Schneider caressed him whispering comforting things as she embraced him with so much warmth and worry.

"He's awake now."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. ten (edited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i erased the other edit  
> and  
> please kill m e

He held onto the cold steel railings trying to sit upright gripping tightly around it and his pushing down his fist against the floor, swallowing sourly from his head rush. Unsteadily looking around with heavy eyes around the swirling and rocking room. And for a while he tightly closed his eyes, breathing in deeply for a moment attempting to regain consciousness and the sway that rocked him out of focus.

Mrs. Schneider entered the room almost dropping the pillows and blankets she held, raising a hand to her mouth gasping at the sight of her son kneeling and swaying around in nausea. She rushed to him stiffly in her heels, slowly bending down next to him to tug her skirt down to her knees. “Florian, are you alright? What’s wrong? Sweetheart, please. Please, get up from there.” cupping his face with motherly worry being gentle as possible to hold him, following his dizzy gaze.

Petting him and whispering words of comfort only made him grunt or whine in response, his mother cautiously stood up by gripping gently to her son's shoulders both to keep him upright and for her stand up tugging him up as she did. "Florian, please." she tugged and tugged him, failing only to stumble a few steps back, with Florian only to be hunched to the ground his face flat still holding onto the bed railings still his face crumpled in an indescribable pain or confusion, tipping and swaying around.

Mrs. Schneider dropped on the couch looking at him a solemn and sunken look, observing him she too wanted to cry out of worry and frustration and from being tired from what was happening. She rested her face on her hands and just closed her eyes. What could have broken him so much?

“My, Florian.” she breathed out.

Mrs. Schneider closed her eyes and took a deep breath finally unable to contain her heavy eyes and loss of a proper sleep any longer. Grabbing a pillow and a large towel, before she leaves laying the pillow down on the floor a few inches away her son's back, pushing him gently to lay down and tucking him in with the towel and finally kissing him goodbye on the cheek saying she'll be going home, slowly dictating all of what he needs to do and take care of.

The lights turned off, the door shut. And only the cool air, floor and the darkness and the two of them was left.

The air conditioner droned a monotonous humming in the room, the chill of the air coming from it rising and prickling his skin. The echoes of wailing babies from the other rooms and nurses rushing by rattled by the hall with their hurried footsteps and running, it was past midnight and yet the light through the gap of the door never seemed to falter and for a person out of daze and paranoia the light seemed mocking to him. There’s still hope beyond they say, he will wake up and it will be all fine.

Florian only could feel something bite him hot and bubble up in his head he wanted to say otherwise, how could he be fine? The scars and bruises and a threatening state of doubting whether he could breathe with his lungs or not anymore was fine! What was he thinking about as he drove down on his way home through the blizzard? Was he afraid? Were you hunching your back that weakened your posture like you always did while gritting your teeth as a habit when stressed? Drumming your fingers and unknowingly rocking back and forth, sometimes biting your tongue.

Florian couldn’t croak out the words, it was the sentiment they both always tried to get out of their own vocabulary and daily lives that made him so used to made him feel uneasy. It felt limiting and he couldn’t do anything but hold it in his throat like a coming sob and his own little speech in repeat on his mind.

Still holding onto the bed like it would make any divine intervention he slipped his hands through the gap, patting the end of the mattress for his foot until hit unmoving cold ones that has been untouched for days. Florian traced through the blankets and squeezed it as if he would feel it and kick back in response, "Please, Ralf. Not like this, not right now." he barely couldn't even hear his own whisper that he thought it came only through his mind.

It went on for a full hour, with him saying his prayers listening to the cars outside, the noise, the "music beyond and inside" like Ralf always said he would've love to sit here too and just listen in the darkness maybe. But it won't happen with him, with Florian it would be just him with his three mugs of coffee and a staring contest versus the ceiling or probably with Emil or whoever he can replace him with. He smiled weakly at the thought and squeezed his foot again thinking back and thinking about the future, what woudl happen after or what would happen now? Where could he be and will they still sit by somewhere themselves and tell stories or just work and tire their selves out till it was four in the morning or six. Was it even safe to still call him a friend? 

Florian breathed in and stifled a yawn, he rubbed his eyes and laid down on the floor giving Ralf a final gentle squeeze as a goodnight or goodbye. Florian pulled Ralf's hand to the edge of the bed and left it hanging, just in case he thought. Just in case he flinches, but he couldn't hold on to his hand all night long but he hoped even it was dire even if in return Ralf wouldn't forgive him anymore nor would seize his tracks like when they first met and beam at him about ideas late at night.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
